Lost
I’m so childish, they took it as maturity.
I’m so mature, they take it as childish.
I’m so silly, they take it as serious.
I’m so serious, they take it as silly.
I don’t know who I am,
I don’t know what I want.
Do I please people,
Or do I hurt them?
Am I kind,
Or am I mean?
I forget hours from days.
I’m so detached,
And so disoriented,
That I don’t know how to take control.
I lose my body, and lose my mind.
I don’t know what to do,
I don’t know how to be better.
I feel like two people.
One in control, and one watching.
I feel like two people who fight with each other,
Hate each other, disagree with each other,
Want to marry each other, love each other.
I hate how things change so rapid but so slow.
I feel so lonely, so loose.
Like I am watching my body move and feel and speak,
Without feeling anything at all.
I’m so out of it,
they make it a joke.
I poke fun at my thoughts,
when really I am screaming inside.
I need to get out, but I can’t escape.
Nothing will silence the buzzing in my head.
No one can help with the pain I am feeling.
I need help, but I don’t ask.
I want change, but I don’t move to try.
I want life, but I don’t care.
I want love, but all I do is hurt.
I want to be nice, but all I use is sarcasm.
I don’t want to be mean, but I do it anyway.
I can’t tell people how I’m feeling,
without hurting them or making any sense of it myself.
I don’t understand who or what I am,
and I don’t know what to do to change.
I am alone, I am lost.
I am unsteady, I am confused.
I don’t know who or what I am.
And no one can help me understand,
When I don’t know myself.
Copyright © Eli Arendel | Year Posted 2023
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