Loneliness Is Driving Me Crazy

I wake up in the morning and have to decide which side of the bed I will get out of today – it doesn’t really matter, because there is no one there to block my exit on either side. I turn on the TV, not to see what’s on, but just to hear another voice in the kitchen other than the one’s inside my head reminding me that I am having breakfast alone once again. I once thought that working from home, through the internet, for myself and by myself, would be a wonderful thing – but, that was when I used to change out of my pajamas at some time during the day. Now the keyboard sits there mocking me in my loneliness. The monitor acts more as a mirror to remind me I haven’t shaved in weeks than it does to display words of a manuscript that I should be working on. How lonely am I? I actually called my mother the other day. Rock bottom. I watch out my window for the approaching mailman so I can open the door as he is depositing bills I can no longer pay into the mail slot on my door. He says he likes my Spiderman pajamas the best. If I had a reason to do so, I would probably take a shower. But then, I have become accustomed to my own stench and there is nobody else around to offend, save for the mailman, who I noticed doesn’t hang around to talk much any more. Could be related, I suppose. I don’t even please myself any more. My imagination is not sharp enough to fantasize about things I haven’t experienced for real in such a long time. There was a time when I would not answer my phone when an 800 number was displayed on the handset. Today I do. Talking to someone bemoaning that I am late with another payment, again, is, at least, talking to someone. Stop mocking me Qwerty! I have given names to the inanimate objects in my apartment. At times, they talk back to me. I think today may be my birthday; the dishwasher was smiling at me. The dirty dishes inside now have mold on them. The mailman didn’t come today – perhaps it is Sunday. I wore my Spiderman pajamas for no good reason. I didn’t write anything again today. These words are just floating around in my head. I am pretending you are a stranger reading them to make me feel a little less lonely. You believing you are that stranger is just further validation that I am, indeed, crazy.