Colleen Bono Poet Free verse

Life Or Death

As long as I can remember,which is about 40yrs,
I have always felt different.I have a different
outlook on how life should be.People think that
I use my mental illness as an excuse for the things
I do or how I think.I can only wish it was an excuse.
I will do anything to not have to live like I do now.
Anything includes leaving the physical world to
search for final peace,what ever that might be.I
have yet to find anything I enjoy or makes me
happy.I have lost a lot of important people that
I needed to succeed.I have lost my way and unsure
if I can find my way back.I don't trust anyone including
myself.I don't know how to express myself in the right
way so I don't get the help I need.Suicide is in my
thoughts daily.At times it consumes me.It has become
the poems I write,the music I listen to,the paper's I
read.It's everywhere.I am having dreams about driving
off a cliff only to awake just before.I don't feel like my
life is meant to be.Every road I follow leads me to a dead
end.I am only a burden.I love my kids and grandchildren
but feel I am holding them back.I do know how it feels
to lose your parents but if I stay around it will make it
harder for everyday life.It's not fair to anyone to go
through everyday being miserable.We all die someday.
I think it would be unique to die on your birthday.Mine
is coming up.I know that no one will believe it was an
accident and I am sorry.I know deep in my heart it is
better this way.Everyone tells me they just want me to
be happy.I can't seem to find happiness here.

                 Now I must make a final decision,
                         
                                Life or Death.
                                May 16,2013

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Skat A May 26, 2015 at 6:18 PM so deep

Skat A November 21, 2013 at 10:23 AM This is sad Colleen, maybe you are not looking deep enough....... This is going to my Faves.... Never have i read a poem with so much despair. SKAT

Poet Destroyer A July 11, 2013 at 10:32 PM Colleen, .. Congratulations, in the MELTDOWN contest... take care-- always~ Linda

Connie Gildersleeve July 9, 2013 at 10:18 AM Colleen I'm happy you placed for a win. You've conveyed so many emotions, mental illness is as painful as physical pain. Reach out please for some one that can help. Hugs and best wishes, Connie

Jiril Clemons July 3, 2013 at 4:02 PM Sad, but beautiful written poem Colleen. I can relate to the pressures of life. Keep hope alive, your talent is special. My name is Jiril Clemons. Check out my poems, might find one you like, specifically the one called "One Sign Will Suffice". Peace!

John Posey June 20, 2013 at 6:29 AM Coleen, I can feel the sweetness in your soul. I am not one to push religion onto anyone.... I can only relate what I feel. I cannot speak for God. What is, or is not between you and God is not for me to say. I know only that I am the authority on me and God... No one else can speak to that relationship. Just remember... You are loved by an awesome power greater than anything here on earth. Talk to Him... He will respond and walk with you through all tribulation... and.... Just know I love you.

Andrea Dietrich June 16, 2013 at 11:34 AM This is just so sad, Colleen. Do you have anyonein your life to talk to? I remember when my hubbie was worse than now (with suicide thoughts) and he had to find a network of people to talk to, people who were feeling the same as he. I know your feelings are real and I pray you can find people who can help you because truly, there has to be some way for you to feel better. I will keep you in my prayers. Luv, Andrea (choose life, dear.)

Sara Kendrick June 15, 2013 at 7:03 PM Thanks for all the visits..Sara

Richard Lamoureux June 8, 2013 at 6:12 PM Happy Birthday Collen. They say Life begins at Forty, I hope this chapter results in all your dreams finally being realized. Hugs Rick.

Poet Destroyer A June 8, 2013 at 2:57 PM HI...HOPE YOU READ MY LATEST BLOG.. LINDA

Joyce Johnson June 2, 2013 at 11:12 PM Dear Colleen. Such a pretty name. It should belong to a happy person. You have lived long enough to be a grandma and you should find your joy in them. This poetry corner may not be the source to find help as there seem to be so many depressed people that they may drag you down more. I love this world that God has given me and I won't leave a minute before I have to. If you would like to talk to me on soup mail, I would be glad to listen. Love, Joyce

Poet Destroyer A June 2, 2013 at 5:08 PM Tex is for Texas... LOl,,, I'm from Texas ..I'm finally changing my name

Phillip Rollings June 2, 2013 at 10:05 AM Colleen,Here is a little something that may help lift your spirits.You are the first comment I have ever received. Know that you were very inspirational in me joining Poetrysoup I hope you decide to pick Life so you can help me grow in writing Poetry. Now that I'm on sight I will try to call HG, HG and not Chef I may forget a couple of times, but I wish you would remind me if I do say Chef.I don't think he will be commenting for a couple more weeks. I'm sending you a soup mail with more info

Poet Destroyer A June 1, 2013 at 9:15 PM wow... Colleen, I am honored on the compliment... i changed my picture to the Girl Avatar from the movie Avatar''' i'm in such a mood.. i can't explain... I'm always happy to hear from you... always~ Linda

Richard Lamoureux May 31, 2013 at 9:55 PM Hi Collen, I hope your mood is improving. Because of your comment I have written three for today. I hope you enjoy. Good night, hugs Rick

Poet Destroyer A May 30, 2013 at 9:17 AM Good morning Colleen, so far so good... I wish you lived in driving distance to me.. That way I could share something strange with you... I had been depressed for the last 2 weeks almost.... hopefully God, will forgive me for the my wrongful thoughts... I wake up asking him for forgiveness, and sleep asking for forgiveness... life just isn't right.. but, today i woke up with a new relief.. I didn't get it the right way :-( :-( it was nice hearing from you this morning... xox~ Linda

Poet Destroyer A May 25, 2013 at 8:21 PM soup mail

Poet Destroyer A May 24, 2013 at 2:05 PM Hi Colleen, thank you for the hi... I don't know what to say at this time... I've been having such a bad week. I skipped my work today. been down in the blues... nothing has gotten me out of this mood... :-(... see you later... xox~ Linda

Sara Kendrick May 23, 2013 at 4:41 PM Being depressed is not a good state to be in..It is good that you can write about it..You are in a rutt..Everytime you think about it, write about it, talk about it(suicide) the rutt is made deeper..You need to think about something else, get outside and get exercise, eat very nutrious meals and see professional mental health doctors, nurse, etc...Very expressive work..Thanks for stopping by..Sara

Allan Koven May 23, 2013 at 12:18 PM It is a terrible thing, depression. I have Dysthemia, similar and long time running. Thoughts are displayed in my existential poetry. Probably much like yours. Happiness as you have discovered is illusive. We all struggle in our different ways. The end will come when it will come. It needs no help from you. We hear your cries and feel your pain but we need you to be here to help us.

Richard Lamoureux May 22, 2013 at 9:31 AM Good morning Colleen, I have a poetic challenge for your talented pen. I want you to imagine a happy day and describe what that looks like. Describe how you feel when you wake up what you do and who you spend time with. The sky is the limit! Amaze me! Surprise yourself! You can be anyone do anything and be with who ever you wish, no limits exist.

Debbie Duncan May 21, 2013 at 6:00 PM Then life it is Colleen ;} you must always think positive, my mom always told her kids "don't sit there and cry over spilt milk" get up and fix it.,,,, I know how negative thoughts can try and pull your soul down. You might try writing affirmations for the next 30 days must be strong for your family. I wish you health ;}

Joyce Johnson May 21, 2013 at 11:16 AM Dear Friend, I hope this is only a poem and does not connect to your life. I have lost a few people to suicide and believe me it is not the answer. You ask where I live. I live in Northwest Washington between LaConner and Mount Vernon. I live in the beautiful Skagit Valley and life is wonderful here. I would be glad to hear more from you. Love, Joyce

Sasha Maharaj May 21, 2013 at 3:11 AM you choose life. becoz you can overcome this. let ur children n grandchildren be the light in you life and the reason for your smile. *hugs*

Hgarvey Daniel Esquire May 19, 2013 at 8:03 PM Hello Colleen, my name is Phillip Rollings. I am a graduate of Chef's (you know him as Harry or HG) last class. I see you and Chef have a lot in common about death and suicide. Soup mail. Respectfully Phillip "Flipper Rollings

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