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As long as I can remember,which is about 40yrs, I have always felt different.I have a different outlook on how life should be.People think that I use my mental illness as an excuse for the things I do or how I think.I can only wish it was an excuse. I will do anything to not have to live like I do now. Anything includes leaving the physical world to search for final peace,what ever that might be.I have yet to find anything I enjoy or makes me happy.I have lost a lot of important people that I needed to succeed.I have lost my way and unsure if I can find my way back.I don't trust anyone including myself.I don't know how to express myself in the right way so I don't get the help I need.Suicide is in my thoughts daily.At times it consumes me.It has become the poems I write,the music I listen to,the paper's I read.It's everywhere.I am having dreams about driving off a cliff only to awake just before.I don't feel like my life is meant to be.Every road I follow leads me to a dead end.I am only a burden.I love my kids and grandchildren but feel I am holding them back.I do know how it feels to lose your parents but if I stay around it will make it harder for everyday life.It's not fair to anyone to go through everyday being miserable.We all die someday. I think it would be unique to die on your birthday.Mine is coming up.I know that no one will believe it was an accident and I am sorry.I know deep in my heart it is better this way.Everyone tells me they just want me to be happy.I can't seem to find happiness here. Now I must make a final decision, Life or Death. May 16,2013
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