Left Behind
I’d never ask you to walk in my shoes.
But rather see the world through my eyes.
Take a journey within the mind of the lost, and perhaps you’ll realize
That my complexity has a depth that even I can’t comprehend.
Scrapping the surface of my own insecurity with the false truths of men
Losing myself further in them, as they discovered themselves, ensnared securely
within
Defiling my temple, disgracing the sanctity of my synagogue,
Tagging graffiti on my walls, each breaching my foundation, just a little further than
the one that come before
Robbed of my virtue, raped of my innocence
Embedding their perverse presence into my very essence
Battered and bruised both inside and out.
Pain pierced so deeply turns quiet cries, to silent shouts.
Lost in a whirl wind of my own none existence, longing to find my place in this world.
Trying to mask the hurt of a tarnished little girl
High off of shame, drunken misery,
Each infectious encounter, an intoxicating buzz, which just kept lifting me
Higher and higher until I exceeded cloud nine,
But everything that goes up eventually comes down.
And as I descended to earth, I saw my reflection,
in a collage of rain drops, falling from heaven,
I saw a part of me that wasn’t really me tattered and torn,
I saw the torment of my past within the eye of the storm
Living a life that really wasn’t my own, but instead a long, drawn out game of
pretend.
The knowledge of knowing a man, before I could ever find myself.
Unwilling giving all that I was until I had nothing left.
Only memories of them trapped in my mind, envisioning their faces every time I
closed my eyes.
My childhood fears, they were not make believe, they manifested themselves, each
and every day.
Forced to play games no child should have to play.
There was no boogeyman hiding under my bed waiting to penetrate my dreams in
the still of the night,
only the phantom that appeared, and brutally attacked in broad day light.
With the images that often haunted me, and their voices of pure evil that would
repeatedly taunt me.
I put on pretentious outward disguises, while the inner me was crying.
I tried to move on with my life while, my wholesomeness was dying
On a quest for happiness, yet sometimes drowning in sorrow
Enduring today and embracing tomorrow.
Now, I’m searching seeking substance, hoping that one day I might find.
The scared little girl that got left behind.
Chiquita Baity
Copyright © Chiquitachiamaka Baity | Year Posted 2011
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