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Lament of My Life Contest
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~My Bereaving Eulogy~
Time seemed to pass so much faster than I expected,
All the love, loss, passion and things I have neglected.
How many times have I lost a special loved one?
Well, now I am the loss, I'm so delicate and young.
Thirty five years of the clock ticking towards my end,
I hardly had any time to catch up and make amends.
I was born into a family full of love so passionate,
strong mother and father, siblings so affectionate.
At times as a sweet little girl I was scared to look in my mirror,
too scared to see disappointment in conjunction with my fear.
Times of broken hearts and left alone, never to feel peace fully,
friends left and at times was attacked by bullies.
Most of the time I was full of daisies and sweet honey,
I was content and silly, joyful and pretty funny.
I was raised with love, beauty and constant protection,
with my mom I have always had a deep inner connection.
Bonded by blood was I, with my brother and two sisters,
siblings so potent, conflict and resentment was never considered.
Wedding bells rang and the honeymoon came and left,
many years I lived with a curse of feeling anxious and depressed.
But my husband, sweet Nicholas, saved me from my damnation,
so in love with his wife, who felt I didn't deserve condemnation.
Then there she was my soul saving wonder, a petite seven pounds,
my ravishing sweetheart, a wrinkly face with big doe eyes so brown.
In my twenties is when I almost died from my addiction,
I was defeated and abruptly damaged with out jurisdiction.
Death should've been seeping right through the walls of my soul,
My body took a tole, out of control, and yearned to become whole.
I have the Lord to thank for my bravery and recuperation,
I'll never know why He chose to save me from elimination.
The older I grew the more wisdom I seemed to gain,
I threw out all the jealousy, regret and constant blame.
Back on December thirty-first of two thousand and ten,
my big sister died tragically and I lost my best friend.
The horror of our last goodbye still haunts me every night,
why would she take her life and give up up on her fight?
My inner essence was shattered and my joy found regret,
I never gave my soul a chance to heal, time to reflect.
But the next five years was full of soul-savoring moments,
I had an opportunity for growth, sapience and atonement.
When I died, the loss of me, destroyed everyone I knew,
funny how I hadn't realized how much their love for me grew....
I was chosen to be born into a warm family. Devoted mother and father with more than enough love and peaceful joy to go around. But my personal deprivation caused my fork in the road to veer off and create my own twisted global destiny. What was my destiny anyways?
My destiny was to nurture my loved ones and keep my heart safe from the damage of what could've become my daily struggle. I was born to be a daughter, sister wife and mother....
When did I get so lost in the madness of separating good from regret, and distinguishing my happiness and my lower class confidence? None of that matters anymore...what is important is the legacy I left behind is in my daughters eyes and in her smile. She will always carry my sensitive nature in her tiny ten year old soul. My husband loved me so much more than I can have ever imagined. I know this for a fact. How do I know? Well, being with someone for twenty years is enough proof.
Regardless of consequences and in spite of wrong doings, I always needed more. “More what?”, I wondered. I longed for the satisfaction in my core that only me and me alone could provide. My sorrow from losses beyond my control has flipped upside down and now I am the loss for others. Their sorrow is unbearable. I can barely shine down upon them because my empathy knows what it's like to lose such an important person in my life. Now more than ever, I realize my importance in the world. I was born to love freely, and I died being loved and needed...
loss can break our hearts
life was my constant blessing
grieve, but see me smile
be sad, not for long
empathy can shine beyond
death can be a gift
~Date Written: March 8, 2016~
Copyright © Lu Loo | Year Posted 2016