Iran

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I have posted 2 versions as a few are helping me, always interested in feedback!

Iran In the gardens of Hafiz where verse eternally embraces the romantics heart thus poetry succumbs to our desires behind the tallest forbidden walls a canopy of flowers each spring bloom metaphor dancing near the city gates under the evening stars so pleasing was this experience Iran fearful of such happiness where vineyards grow Iran In the gardens of Hafiz where verse eternally embraces the romantics heart thus poetry entices our desires behind the tallest of forbidden walls a canopy laden of flowers each spring bloom metaphor dancing near the city gates under the evening stars so pleasing was this experience Iran fearful of such happiness where vineyards grow

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Eve Roper

Date: 7/9/2018 2:20:00 AM

:) I like the second entice instead of succumbs , full loaded of blooms, (of )makes a difference ..

Darren White

Date: 7/8/2018 11:26:00 PM

Well, let's analyze this. First of all, scrap 'thus' from the third line. In both versions. Poetry doesn't 'succumb', it 'entices'. The second version has too many instances of 'of'. Never good in any poem. Also, in both versions, swap the final two lines, end with "fears such happiness" Finally, make sure the tense in the whole of both poems is either present, or past. Be consistent. ;)