Insomniac
Why am I awake?
I'm tired, so so tired.
But I can't sleep.
I've tried everything.
But the silence,
Its deafening,
The screams bring me to my knees.
I am not enough,
I am not worth it,
I am not allowed
the basic rights of every other human.
Because I am useless,
I am pointless.
A mistake,
A tragedy,
A minority in the priorities of man's emotion.
I can work,
I can dream,
I can climb,
Always trying to find the answer,
What everyone wants from me,
What it is I am lacking that I need
to be noticed,
To be loved,
To belong.
But I am missing,
I am losing,
I am dying,
All because I am trying to fit in to a world that will never accept the very presence of my life.
There will always be stares,
There will always be emptiness,
There will always be sadness.
Because no matter what I have to offer,
It is never enough,
It is never the best,
It is never worth a glance in my direction.
I pour my heart and soul into everything I do
To make it perfect,
To make it worthy of man's affection, because I have come to believe in my heart that somehow if my life is not worth it,
If I am not worth it,
Maybe I can do something to make up for it.
But someone will always be let down.
There is always something wrong because I have given so much to gain approval that there is nothing left of me to be loved for who I truly am.
There will always be something missing because I have lead myself to believe that I am unloveable, and I have forgotten that since I have convinced myself of that fact, It will indeed become a fact and not just a fictional work of my own imagination.
I have rejected the essence of myself in order to be accepted by a society that can NEVER be pleased.
And so I lay awake.
And Sleep is far away.
And The day will come and go,
Another empty blur in this monotonous pattern of sadness and pain I have come to call my life.
Copyright © Samantha Morse | Year Posted 2016
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