Inside
“Love yourself” Easier said than done,
Part of me does and part of me wants to run.
My mind is screaming:
“I am overlooked, invisible, forgotten,
I am broken, dying, rotten”
“You’re not worth the fight.
You’re not even worthy to be in their sight.”
You don’t have this problem, you don’t have this curse
You joke “Who cares?” but little do you know you make it worse.
I can’t let you inside.
I smile on the outside but won’t ever tell
All the joking and teasing makes me feel like hell.
I know others feel this too, but I don’t ask
Because when someone asks me I apply a mask.
I don’t let them know because I want to appear strong
I don’t want to let anyone know something’s so very wrong
Because nothing is supposed to be bad
You’re not supposed to be sad
Everything is supposed to be happy and grand
But happiness gets washed away as easy as a grain of sand.
I won’t let them inside
And maybe it will get worse
And maybe I won’t sing another verse
But everyone says “it gets better”
I don’t know when but that helps me not write the letter.
Some days go by and everything is right
Others seem like dawn never comes after the night.
Day after day I’m fighting the pain
Some days it’s easy, other days I can’t remove the stain
I need to let someone inside
Is something wrong with me?
Am I just missing a piece that would bring me respect?
Why do I feel like I’ve caused everyone to hate me?
Is it my fault, did I say the wrong thing?
Was I blind to how I’d treated you wrong?
Am I making this up, or is this real?
Do I matter at all?
If I disappeared would anyone notice at all?
My lights are going out and no one seems to know
Does anyone want inside?
I don’t think I’m going to continue to breathe
I’m losing my fight, can I keep the blade in its sheath?
I’m not strong enough not smart or fast enough
Will I see another dawn, another cloud puff?
I’m losing the fight, I’m missing the light,
I don’t have anyone to let inside.
No! I’m not going to let these lies thrive.
I’ve seen that there are people who care,
My disappearance would not go unnoticed.
I am worth it and so are you.
There will always be seeds of hate and doubt
I refuse to let these seeds grow without resistance
I won’t let this inside anymore
I reach for those who care,
I call to those who are always there,
There is always someone who will listen,
There is always someone who cares,
The pain is there but giving up is not the answer for you or for me,
There will always be help for those who ask.
I will let someone inside.
Copyright © Deborah Samuelson | Year Posted 2018
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