In This Hole

I can’t think. Can’t get my thoughts To stop their frenzied waltz And line up once again In a straight pattern, One after the other, The way they used to When everything was still So goddamned simple. I can’t effing think. If my shattered heart Beats any faster, I fear it will escape The familiar prison of my ribcage, Take off into oblivion As I wish I could Every time I meet My own pleading eyes In the reflection cast By broken mirrors. Thinking used to hurt So much less than it does now. Even my own damn voice Makes my skin erupt In waves of gooseflesh; A rain dance illuminating How dark and how cold Self-hatred can become. The blindingly bright fires That once warmed my despair Are hardly pinpricks of light, Dwindling away the more I drown: The more my hair swirls Around my tear-stained face, The more my hands Fail to grasp for the rope That might have saved my life If it had been thrown Just a bit sooner.