In the Suspended Time

In the suspended time In the suspended time between Christmas and New Year’s Eve, I think of you. Time has passed, much time, and you have said in Clear words of silence, that you wish me to desist, Go away, engage with you (and the irrepressible Miss) No more. Yet I cannot. I cannot, any more than I can cease breathing, Thinking, being. My thoughts and feelings are hostage to the memories of things past, And I think of you. Oysters on Christmas Day, and the unrecognised Intimacy that passes me by Because I am disbelieving of your intentions, And do not respond. But then my eyes open and I feel your affection, The warmth of your touch. I hear you: “Trust me” you say, and I do; Do you think me now a fool? And now…and now…betwixt Christmas and New Year, I think of you; Unbidden, not yet unwanted though would it not Be more bearable if it were? I wonder at the thoughts That fill your mind, though I know they do not Include me. Do you not wonder what might have been? Do you explore, In the interstices of your mind, the possibility of a future, However brief, in which you are bathed in love? My mind wanders, to the past; your past, the childhood That you hinted at but did not unfold in painful detail, That I might understand. And your words “I know nothing of you”, Yet you did not ask, and thus know nothing of my growing up. The memories of confrontation that haunt me still… Raised voices, the crash of violence and the soft murmurings Of placation; nights where sleep is suspended, And anxiety creeps into my bed. And still, the new year yet an infant, I think of you. There is a calmness within, the thoughts hurt no more; Though a chance remark on Facebook brings an Inner somersault. More time passes – Acceptance of an ending grows within; though I resist, my thoughts ever refreshing my grief. Now and then, anger ignites a moment of despair And yearning. I know that means resolution lies ahead: why me Gives way to it’s unfair, to be dampened by resignation. And time passes, and acceptance comes, To my relief. But in those moments of suspended time, I will always Think of you.