If I Were a Man

If I Were a Man, I'd: Never purchase another dress, chop the heels off my stilettos, burn every pantyhose in the house, allow my ears to close their portals, and use pinking shears on all the bras. If I were a man, I’d: Place my jewelry up for grabs, cart the curlers over to Goodwill, paint the town with cosmetics, and visit the barber for a buzz cut. If I were a man, I’d: Buy cowboy boots, a straw hat, season tickets to baseball, and a zero-turn lawnmower. If I were a man, Id: Control the remote at all times, commandeer the recliner, sit however I please, with perfect ease, and change my name from Cona to Chuck. If I were a man, I’d: Reserve the right; to track mud into the house, leave drawers/doors standing open, leave clothes/shoes lying where they drop, control the money, and always ask, “What’s for dinner?”