If I Were

[written for ‘If I Were’ contest, but not entered because, well, I just couldn’t help myself] If I were a seagull, I’d sit in a tree I’d poop on the flower that sits beneath me (A pretty good shot, I think you’d agree) While humans decide what to give me for tea Those humans think I belong close to the sea And yet they all give me my supper for free It’s real easy pickings but I have one plea Don’t keep all the good stuff for your family Your BLT sarnies inspire in me lust I let you come near me, I show so much trust It’s always the same, it’s not fair and not just For you eat the bacon and I get the crust I sing my song for you, you cover your ears As though I awaken your primeval fears And one tiny poo in your lunch leads to tears But while you’re distracted, I sample your beers *** If I were a flower beneath a tree And some f*cking seagull sh*t upon me I’d scatter my pollen all over his tea My name’s Deadly Nightshade, I’m wild and I’m free *** If I were a tree and my seagull got sick From eating the pollen from some little pr*ck That grew in my shade where people picnic I’d say that somebody was taking the mick But why should I care, I’m a tree, the name fits I stand here and get to see so many t*ts And when a bus comes, it’s a big double decker For people have heard that I've got a wood pecker