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Poem

[written for ‘If I Were’ contest, but not entered because, well, I just couldn’t help myself]


If I were a seagull, I’d sit in a tree 
I’d poop on the flower that sits beneath me
(A pretty good shot, I think you’d agree)
While humans decide what to give me for tea

Those humans think I belong close to the sea
And yet they all give me my supper for free
It’s real easy pickings but I have one plea
Don’t keep all the good stuff for your family

Your BLT sarnies inspire in me lust
I let you come near me, I show so much trust
It’s always the same, it’s not fair and not just
For you eat the bacon and I get the crust

I sing my song for you, you cover your ears
As though I awaken your primeval fears
And one tiny poo in your lunch leads to tears
But while you’re distracted, I sample your beers

             ***

If I were a flower beneath a tree
And some f*cking seagull  sh*t upon me
I’d scatter my pollen all over his tea
My name’s Deadly Nightshade, I’m wild and I’m free

              ***

If I were a tree and my seagull got sick
From eating the pollen from some little pr*ck
That grew in my shade where people picnic
I’d say that somebody was taking the mick

But why should I care, I’m a tree, the name fits
I stand here and get to see so many t*ts
And when a bus comes, it’s a big double decker 
For people have heard that I've got a wood pecker

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