Poetry Forum Areas

Introduce Yourself

New to PoetrySoup? Introduce yourself here. Tell us something about yourself.

Looking for a Poem

Can't find a poem you've read before? Looking for a poem for a special person or an occasion? Ask other member for help.

Writing Poetry

Ways to improve your poetry. Post your techniques, tips, and creative ideas how to write better.

High Critique

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

How do I...?

Ask PoetrySoup Members how to do something or find something on PoetrySoup.


Denis Barter Avatar Denis Barter - Premium MemberPremium Member Send Soup Mail  Block poet from commenting on your poetry

Below is the poem entitled If which was written by poet Denis Barter. Please feel free to comment on this poem. However, please remember, PoetrySoup is a place of encouragement and growth.

Read Poems by Denis Barter

Best Denis Barter Poems

+ Follow Poet

The poem is below.


(With apologies to Rudyard Kipling!)

If you can keep your head when your computer crashes
right after a new programme, removed essential caches!
If you can smile when you lose a whole day's work
and the blue screen of death, says you're quite a jerk;
though you've slaved for hours and every ploy you've used
along with advice given, leaves you further confused?
Then you're either a man who never knows when to quit?
Or you should give computers a miss, unless you've the grit

to keep going in the face of continued angst and stress.
For truth to tell your computer will always be a mess!
If you enjoy the repeated challenge of reload and reformat,
then despite hours of work still wonder where you're at?
It proves you're someone with neither knowledge nor skill,
and the white coats should take you, cos friend, you sure are ill!
If you unpack your machine, and the machine now waits for you
to read the manual from cover to cover, as some folks might do

before following instructions? Then I suggest you quit, start anew,
for a manual never explains why important things you should do!
If after numerous hours, you've absorbed every technical word,
still you find the writer's language used strikes you as absurd?
Remember, experts like to confuse with computer instruction.
If you think computers have programmed obsolescence and destruction?
Chances are you're right! Forget what they write, stay sanguine!
If you decide perhaps you'd better call another technician in?

Save your money, chances are he's just another high priced hack.
Better forget using a computer and demand your money back!
For you're either born to handle machines of intricate complexity
or you'll remain forever lost in the fog of terminal perplexity!
If later, deciding you'll help a friend with their infernal machine,
you start by ensuring the hard drive is empty and clean,

but after countless hours of loading and tweaking with circumspection,
your attempts to install programmes and make an Internet connection,
have failed yet once again, and your every effort is in vain?
There's no 'ifs' about it my friend! You must be completely insane!
If like many, you've survived "bytes" from the computer bug?
Your "memory" is so good you're emboldened to feel smug?

If you'd spout for hours about the marvels of your machine?
Ere someone asks you to put theirs to rights, come clean
to admit that anything you've ever learned has cost you dear,
and computers, though said harmless, bring you out in sweaty fear.
Should you get the chance to turn back the clock and sleep at night,
and forget you ever wanted a computer? You’re damned right!

Rhymer March 26th, 2017.

Copyright © | Year Posted 2017

Post Comments

Please Login to post a comment
Date: 3/26/2017 9:12:00 AM
After dealing with the angst of PCs we switched to MACs, and we're now relaxed. I absolutely enjoyed your poem by the way. It's beautifully written:) Amitiés
Login to Reply
Barter Avatar
Denis Barter
Date: 3/26/2017 9:46:00 AM
Thanks Anne-Marie. this was written to ease the angst I have had to deal with for several weeks now. This after some smart - clever so and so - scammed my computer and despite all efforts on the part of technicians and myself, resulted in a complete reformat and reload! All manner of virus and malware protection, proved useless! I often wish I had gone the Mac way. Have a great day. Ciao Denis.