Deyja Sieben | + Follow Poet |
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I Gave Up on Getting Better

I gave up on getting better.
because every time i try
I fall back in again
And I hate feeling like i just messed it up again
Like I just screwed all my progress with the laziness of my sin
I don’t wanna cut my skin
i don’t want to see scars in place of flesh
a constant reminder of what i am
a mess.
can’t be fixed
want to be better
--	sometimes     	   -- 
but it’s just easier to crave the sadness
the pain
and i least i FEEL when i feel this way

i don't need me to hate me
to blame me
just another name on the list
because those don’t help, there’s enough on that list
and now i’m just angry
memories taint me
an ugly, neglected, disposable kind of color
that haunts my sheets
alone under the covers

I hate you and i miss you 
but i know i’ll never again trust you
because you showed me
that i am not worthy of who you are
that you had better friends
now we just pretend…

I avoid you because it pains me to see you
to let myself think 
i still know you 
and i know i don’t 
because the friend i know wouldn’t have done this to me
because she knows
personally
how that feels.
But maybe, 
if i let my brain wonder
maybe she was curious how it felt 
to be the other person
to have that power
to throttle them 
then watch them seizure 
gasping desperately for the air you took
for the friends you turned
for the confidence you killed

and i know
i know it's not The End of The World
and i know you weren’t my whole world
but you were the torch, the flashlight in the dark
that illuminated
and brought to life
me
and my life
and now i can’t see
stumbling around blindly
my eyes useless,
but pouring out a sea
and i am left to wonder
when the color,
now dimmed,
will once again be bright
be blinding
as it once was

and i wonder 
When, again, will my passion burn?
as i sit and wait
for it to light up this earth
this cold, damp, stagnant world
with rain clouds looming low
and eyes full of sorrow

Copyright © Deyja Sieben | Year Posted 2024

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