I Gave Up on Getting Better

I gave up on getting better. because every time i try I fall back in again And I hate feeling like i just messed it up again Like I just screwed all my progress with the laziness of my sin I don’t wanna cut my skin i don’t want to see scars in place of flesh a constant reminder of what i am a mess. can’t be fixed want to be better -- sometimes -- but it’s just easier to crave the sadness the pain and i least i FEEL when i feel this way i don't need me to hate me to blame me just another name on the list because those don’t help, there’s enough on that list and now i’m just angry memories taint me an ugly, neglected, disposable kind of color that haunts my sheets alone under the covers I hate you and i miss you but i know i’ll never again trust you because you showed me that i am not worthy of who you are that you had better friends now we just pretend… I avoid you because it pains me to see you to let myself think i still know you and i know i don’t because the friend i know wouldn’t have done this to me because she knows personally how that feels. But maybe, if i let my brain wonder maybe she was curious how it felt to be the other person to have that power to throttle them then watch them seizure gasping desperately for the air you took for the friends you turned for the confidence you killed and i know i know it's not The End of The World and i know you weren’t my whole world but you were the torch, the flashlight in the dark that illuminated and brought to life me and my life and now i can’t see stumbling around blindly my eyes useless, but pouring out a sea and i am left to wonder when the color, now dimmed, will once again be bright be blinding as it once was and i wonder When, again, will my passion burn? as i sit and wait for it to light up this earth this cold, damp, stagnant world with rain clouds looming low and eyes full of sorrow