I Don'T Want To Talk

I dont want to speak, because speaking reflects the hope of solution. I can no longer hope as it drains with the disappointment that follows. I guess I need help but Im too tired to ask. I need some rationality but my logic seems to be at minimal functioning capacity. You may ask what the problem is. I will say I dont want to talk about it. Maybe if I tell you that I am ok I will start believing myself. Or maybe I have realized that feeling is my downfall. Habitually asking for protection while crossing a green light. Sinning, repenting, repenting while Im sinning.. If I had a choice I might be able to change.. but evidentally I am ok with being manipulated as long as it's done by myself. Its always the wrong voice that wins..Discovering a hole in the wall to plaster it myself, finding an open window while I wait on the other end to reincarcerate myself. Im a sore loser addicted to defeat. Im sorry if you think that I have changed. But truth be told I dont want to talk about it.