Home » Poems » Caren Krutsinger » I Don'T Do Spider Bites

I Don'T Do Spider Bites

A morning spent with nurses.
A sharp pain in my side, like a spear being plunged
In my right side when I laughed, sat up or sat down.
Pain in my eyes, and my stomach.
Sharp, mean, angry pain.
I started out with a wellness check at school.
They told me, “Go to your doctor or Emergency Room
Right away!”
The doctor sent me to the Emergency Room.
I was horrified to hear them say “65 year old female,
Possible appendix rupture.”
65!
Am I really that OLD?
I don’t FEEL 65.
After sticking me repeatedly and getting nowhere
They finally called Gina in. Gina is the blood taking
Expert here, folks. She was in and out and I didn’t
Even feel it after been JABBED meanly by a butterfly
Something in my hand so hard I thought I was going
To have to hurt two nurses. The teaching one and the
One “who had never done it before.”
Sure.
Experiment on me.
Joe had asked about possibly giving me a laxative and they all made fun of him.
“Not if it’s COLITUS!” they screamed at him in unison.
Anyway, Joe finally made his escape 4 hours later when they
Said all they had to do was the paperwork and I could go home.
I either have colitis, or I have a ruptured appendix and if the pain
Persists, I should come back because it is possibly the ruptured appendix.
Giving me all kinds of confidence, and making Joe’s face mad.
We discussed how long everything else had taken, and he ran to the store
To get the probiotics and peptobismals and something that starts with an S.
“You’ll poop black,” the red haired nurse told me.
I nodded my head.
The doctor came in. “It may be a ruptured appendix. If it persists, come back.”
Joe and I were both mad at him as he had never touched me or my sore side.
Not one single time. Counting on blood and urine and a machine that beeped
Whenever I laughed which was a lot because when I laughed I shrieked in pain
Too because of the piercing sword-like pain in my side when I coughed or laughed.
Joe came back and I ran out as if a rabid wolf was at my heels.
When I pulled myself into the truck he said, “I got the laxatives too.”
After 3 more hours of 0 pain or 10 pain, I took the laxatives and got instant relief.
This reminded me of the time I had the angry, sore red and puffy, oozing pus Brown Recluse
Spider bite on my breast. Two male doctors had briefly glanced at it from across the room.
One told me if it persisted I should “Probably get it lanced”.
The other one from 50 feet away said, “I don’t really do spider bites.”
After 6 weeks of solid suffering, I took a knife and lanced that spider bite and
16 cups of green oozy pus came out and it healed up in about 8 minutes.
My husband and I know how to doctor ourselves better than
Thousand of others.

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