I couldn't even formulate words

God, you know like I don't know why do you did that or let it happen, but you just made a plan right? I know you want to protect me god. It's just I feel so embarassed, everyone looked at me. I cried while anger, sadness and disgust built up. I don't want you to make anything to him happen bad. Maybe I am just to sensitive I don't know. I just want that he thinks about it how I thought about him. The looks I gave him spoke a lot. But I didn't wanted that god. I wanted an option were I could accounter him with a smile again. And everything's going to be alright, again. But I felt my face get heated a uncomfortable warmth. When he said that, it broke of a past insecurity. God I thought I am already past him. Maybe, because I always longed for a kinder approach how it was in the past? Or it just pushed me more aside? When he always told me: ,,how does so much come up in your mind?" And now: ,,it's too much" Maybe because it's also about school and I always am trying to be best? Not much just that he knows or felt in the moment it was kinda his fault, or that he just a little cared. God, I wish I said something. But I now understand god why we never got to be together, and I thank you for that. I don't know why I am crying, it just hurts god. You know I am trying to be saved? Right? God, why is it so hard to make everything just alright? Why not? I don't want to be like this