I became the Bard, because I was outside of myself
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I have stepped into the next phase of my life. I was declared cancer free in January of 24 after my lumpectomy. I have since undergone radiation therapy to eliminate any lingering cells in my breast. I just had a cat scan and there are no new signs of cancer and anything that was previously of concern has actually retreated. I finshed radiation mid April. It takes a while to recover from all of this medical treatment. I also had the added not fun to find out I have a double copy of a MTHFRC677T gene which causes me to have 70 percent less enzymes to process Folic Acid the man made version of vitamin B12. This made me exhausted in my recovery as I was taking vitamins to speed my recovery. This gene btw, is present in 40 percent of the european population and probably the culprit for several of my medical issues. To have it in double copy points to why I have to cook from scratch and avoid things like MSG. ( I can't process it like normal people... it's a migraine trigger for me). If you have this problem btw, artificial b vitamins sit on your mitochondria and make it impossible for your body to create energy at the cellular level.
So I am on methylated b vitamins now. I take them twice a day. It has helped. And I am back to being able to create and get on top of my work life. I am working on a musical album ( and it's incredible!) . And I am able to work again.
Thank you to everyone who has followed my story, commented on my poetry and music.
I am still at it over here.
I have stared death in the face
with its huge gaping jaws
most of my life
i have evaded those paws
My families crazy made up scheme
of overdramatizing my diagnosis
made my life a paralysing psychosis
I freed myself from that drek by compartmentalizing me
but it meant I never really could connect how I felt about anything
I also really had to relax to remember history
because you see I remember everything , the stories, the words, the complete scene you see
My life is a movie that plays in my head
It rolls out when I let it in complete detail instead
and its vivid and in color with all the emotion of the time
and many of the scenes were not the sublime
I lived through treachery and hate, and physical abuse
and psychological torture by those of who I was of use
so I buried how I felt to survive all that pain
and ignored it all to not become insane
Sixteen years ago, I had an epiphany
I was not sick with a fatal disease the diagnosis was freed
and I examined my mothers treatment of me as a consequence
with horror I realized what had happened instead
All of that I had buried and survived was abuse
the trappings of mental illness of a parent in my youth
and it affected everything about me, my ability to be
right down to my expression and depth of feeling you see
I freed myself, I did, it took years of therapy
and I am in EMDR now to get rid of the last bits
It's been effective because as you see I can now create
and I am using the experience to share my story of late
I became the Bard, because I was outside of my life
a casual observer to all of the strife
I could not feel anything in real time you see
and that pair bonding thing was a big mystery.
And you can relate...
And I am now a poet, lyricist and soon to be author.
(C) Artimus - Susan Manley 4:35 PM 8-4-2024
Copyright © Susan Manley | Year Posted 2024
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