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I have stared death in the face
with its huge gaping jaws
most of my life 
i have evaded those paws

My families crazy made up scheme
of overdramatizing my diagnosis
made my life a paralysing psychosis

I freed myself from that drek by compartmentalizing me
but it meant I never really could connect how I felt about anything
I also really had to relax to remember history
because you see I remember everything , the stories, the words, the complete scene you see

My life is a movie that plays in my head
It rolls out when I let it in complete detail instead
and its vivid and in color with all the emotion of the time
and many of the scenes were not the sublime

I lived through treachery and hate, and physical abuse
and psychological torture by those of who I was of use
so I buried how I felt to survive all that pain
and ignored it all to not become insane

Sixteen years ago, I had an epiphany
I was not sick with a fatal disease the diagnosis was freed
and I examined my mothers treatment of me as a consequence
with horror I realized what had happened instead

All of that I had buried and survived was abuse
the trappings of mental illness of a parent in my youth
and it affected everything about me, my ability to be
right down to my expression and depth of feeling you see

I freed myself, I did, it took years of therapy
and I am in EMDR now to get rid of the last bits
It's been effective because as you see I can now create
and I am using the experience to share my story of late

I became the Bard, because I was outside of my life
a casual observer to all of the strife
I could not feel anything in real time you see
and that pair bonding thing was a big mystery. 

And you can relate... 

And I am now a poet, lyricist and soon to be author.  

(C) Artimus - Susan Manley 4:35 PM 8-4-2024

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