I Am Truly Afraid of Not Living

The weight of every exhausted metaphor sleeps underneath my eyes.
It’s the only thing that does nowadays.
I don’t hold anything in the chaos of my hands.
None of this makes sense.

But,
My brain is the crushing gift of God.
Sometimes it is a blessing 

But,
Most days I am leaking juniper berries
Between pages of a book.
I stain everything red.

I have lost the words to describe how my days feel like frosted windows.
Nothing is ever clear.
But I keep looking through them in the hope that I will see
Something.

I will See anything.

I am in the edge of nothing
One step in either direction
With the fear of falling.
On step and my hands will
Once again
Paint but create nothing

My greatest fear is that I live an empty book
With pages that were written by someone else
With words that are merely casts of they should be

I am truly afraid of not living
Copyright © | Year Posted 2019

Poem

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Agustin Avatar
March 17, 2025 at 8:01 AM
Thanks for sharing this... exposing your thoughts through your unique poetic style. Meanwhile, I greet you with the love of the Lord, expressed by John 3:16 of the Bible, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." Have a blessed day.
Gauthier Avatar
October 14, 2019 at 3:53 PM
great poem and performance video, Merel.
Michael Avatar
June 14, 2019 at 2:09 PM
Well done...Emotions are alive in this one....
Vdb Avatar
June 14, 2019 at 11:19 AM
Here is a video of my Performance of the poem: https://youtu.be/ZSHKDl-oCsE Please give it a view :)
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