How To Succeed In the Army

Let not your heart be troubled by the recruiter's garrulous spiel! After all, he's paid to embellish army life to offer you a fabulous deal! When he called you 'private' you assumed there'd be privacy in store. Never mind that you must share the latrine with fifty guys or more! Make it a policy to eat all the curious grub the cooks slop on your tray! Compliment the mess sarge - it might defer you from KP for another day! Tell your sarge his wife is lovely - though she's as homely as Hooligan's goat! He is certain to acclaim your acumen and a three-day pass he's apt to float! Always appear busy - walk around with a clipboard in hand wearing a frown. The captain might promote you to PFC on the spot so don't you let him down. If a grumpy sergeant should deign to ask what you're doing, you could retort, "Sarge, the colonel told me to inventory flypaper use on post and submit a report!" Never volunteer for anything, though it may be an offer you shouldn't refuse! Arrange things neatly in your footlocker for display and always shine your shoes! Sergeants like things regular and complete, so don't give them any sass. Officers' mega-egos are crushed if you don't salute, so always salute the brass! Scrub the floor, shave your mug and be ready for Saturday morning inspection. Best you pass the captain's scrutiny else he won't shower you with affection! Keep your hair cut, a crease in your pants and you'll get along without a glitch. They might even see fit to promote you to general on your very first hitch! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired © All Rights Reserved