Hospital
Lost in a room with only my thoughts,Isolated from the world,
A room my only familiar, I listen to the laughter and the conversations in the halls, imagine all the stories held between these walls?
I feel that I'm a stranger, no words spoken just my movements, my groans, the rustle of packages my things i bought from home.
From my busy life to this extreme slow motion, emotionless, or is it? Costrophobic, no air, I can't breathe I'm not me.
I have to push a button to pee, for a coffee, for someone to talk to me.
The light in my eyes, I can't find the switch, I feel like a dead weight waiting, always waiting, waiting for food, waiting for meds, waiting for the clock to say its okay to sleep it's time to rest.
I fight with myself to please get well to leave this place, my heads in this constant state, a taste I assume of what it could be like in hell.
I think of what I would be doing if not in this place, it's so weird that I long to be out there back in that fast moving rat race. Where time slips by faster than I know and the list of things that I have to do, never gets smaller only grows.
I long for a hug from my children and the ones I love, just a small one will do just the embrace of someone who loves me too.
I hear the wheels of the cart the nurse enters the room I fill with anxiety will she say it's time to go? You can pack your bags and we will discharge you? But it isn't so, instead it's that thing that reads my heart rate, tight around my arm until it hesitates. ' You ok ?' Are the last words of the night before lights out and it's no longer bright. My eyes need to adjust and when they do, I see the same loneliness it's only me and my trusty room.
Again going to sleep feeling of total gloom. I fall asleep and dream of tommorrow when I walk out, go home and my head will be free,and will empty this feeling of helpless sorrow, that's fallen over me.
Don't get me wrong the doctors and nurses are great but it's about what this place does to your mental state.
You don't realise what you have outside these four walls, and it's hard to remember to embrace it celebrate the gift that we have got ,the air that we breathe the the sky, the sun, the moon the whole lot.
Take a deep breathe and remember to live, because before long it will be over, it's only a short while, we need to clear our heads and live happily, at peace always with a smile to others it's so simple and free to give.
Trapped in my mind I compare it to this hospital room, energy bouncing from wall to wall my thoughts being distorted crashing into each other until they fall.
There's no colours, no plants, no sky or fresh air only the walls , the roof, the floor and the TV's screens glare.
The clock on the wall life ticking away, the noise in the hall confusing in ways. Paranoia creeps in , are they discussing you or is it the patient across the hall in the room marked 2?
You actually start looking forward to the food that they bring, not caring if it's beef stew or some unrecognisable goo. All you know is its something new in this day of everything the same with nothing to do.
No new knowledge to learn, no real questions to ask, can't understand anyone talking behind there white masks.
Ipad that was something I was once glued to is a thing of the past because it only now frustrates, a reminder of the things that you miss or want to do.
All I know is this room I'm trapped in is the only thing that I know, every tiny cracks or sign, every fitting, texture, i examine and explore everything i see and no doubt if this room could talk it surely now knows everything about me.
Copyright © Vivian Brazier | Year Posted 2023
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