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As an adult, I have come to the full realization that I have never, and will never, understand this world. And so I have never fully lived in this world. I have mostly lived in the expansive realities of my mind; dissociated, dissconnected, day dreaming... dreaming. Maybe I have always, in a way, longed to not live in this existence? Some may call that a death wish, but maybe for me it's a life wish? Maybe I tire of humanity. The things that make me feel alive are things that too dance with Death. -Such a finite word here, for describing a truly infinate experience- If I was meant to die, I have had several chances for it to happen and it persists not to. I must not have fulfulled my purpose here. I need to learn to live among this world and appreciate my humanity again for the things that bring me joy beyond the the ilicit substances that would see me on a fast-track home, wherever that home may be. What is a human experience without those substances though? I guess I will find out, and may I slow down enough to enjoy life too.