He Didn’t Panic- Aboard The Titanic

Sirens, alarm bells and unscheduled drills Intended to teach us emergency skills On land we might jump up and run for the trees But where does one run in these vast frigid seas It has to be said that they’ve done their research I almost felt scared when I felt the ship lurch And when people ran, was that fear that I smelt For God’s sake just say where we’ll find a life belt Even the barman has gone up on deck But I need a drink to sling down my neck It’s the friggin Titanic, not some little yacht And it cannot sink… in case you forgot So let them all play games of ‘victims at sea’. These dumb practice sessions mean little to me I’d soon find the lifeboats through instinct and stealth So they can all practice while I serve myself A generous whiskey, poured by my fair hand Of course I shall pay… you should understand But I’m gonna write, gonna kick up a stink For British White Star Line have just spilt my drink When I get home, gonna rock me some boats Gonna stand for election and get me some votes I paid loadsa money to be on this trip Yet they make it act like an unstable ship What kind of practice drill needs an orchestra Is it to impress a White Star investor But pumping in water is over the top It may look authentic but it has to stop Oh, come on, you’re taking this so very far I’m freezing my bits off, while gripping the bar Okay, I get it, some people might drown If they booked a trip on a ship that went down I mean no offence if their income was meagre I get that the lowly can sometimes be eager To act like they’re worthy to be in our midst But those lower echelons wouldn’t be missed Those less educated might well have been fooled And leapt overboard when “Abandon” was called But now, with the water up over my head I wish I’d stayed up in my cabin - in bed You can’t frighten folk by pretending you’re sinking I’ll find who’s to blame and what they were thinking Tomorrow, I’ll sue them for feigning my death For now though, I’m too busy… holding my breath.