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HAND-PICKED BERRIES AND SUN-DRIED TOMATOES 3

“The songs are casual and careless in a satisfying way, like the used condom your latest lover left lying on your bedroom floor, a souvenir you’re not yet ready to dispose of.” Candy Cotton, Modern Woman’s Advisor “Their lyricism is incredibly lean, There’d be a whole other side of bacon you’d have to fry before there’d be grease enough to pour off the griddle.” Red Weston, The Rocky Mountain Oyster “Invigorating. It’s like going to the crossroads and striking a deal so you can continue to revel in the virile arts while your portrait ages in the garret of some gothic mansion.” Brent Mitchell, Style Essentials “Each song burns like a high-watt bulb behind an opaque shade that filters out the harshness of reality.” Spark Larkin, Adventure Illustrated “If you’ve ever been scolded by crows in your own front yard, you’ll dig the scene.” R.P.G.R.F., Ahhhh “This stands as a testament to what can be purchased with little more than loose change and pocket lint.” Felicity Bonaparte, Linger Magazine “What you have here is not just another dead-end in a creepy old hedge maze keeping the manor house guests awake after midnight. Mr. Froggie may have leapt from his room in the attic out of fear, but the coroner determined he died of a broken heart. That’s how I felt while listening to this recording.” Nigel Fenster, Victorian Times “These lovely lyrics are like ancient scrolls that might have been excavated from the banks of the Euphrates and are now being offered for sale in a Baghdad suq by an honest shopkeeper named Karim.” Fatima Afeef, The Ninety-nine Names “They’ve convincingly illustrated their assertion that being prudish is a harsh and unpleasant concept, like taking a laxative, while endorsing the practice of heathenism as though it were nature's way. Paulette Phelps, Organic Wellness & Leisure “If you’re in the market for songs about roadhouse love in which jumper cables, Vaseline, and a ham & cheese on rye figure prominently, you’ve come to the right place.” Burton French, The Wanderer’s Journal “Their sensuous metaphors really get the juice running down my leg.” Amanda X., Intimate Confessions “While listening to this collection of intricately contrived ballads it got me to thinking: If I were a woman, I'd be cunning and insincere. I'd break people's hearts for sport. I'd never say please or thank you. I'd be aloof and imperious. I'd take one bite of the apple then toss it away. I'd have lovers who pamper me. I'd never be given a traffic ticket. I'd be vague and indistinct. I'd be in control of the situation. That’s what I was thinking.” Francis Don Carlos Burke, Alternative Lifestyles “These gentlemen seem as unlikely a pair to be collaborating in theater as would be Glen Beck and Ricky Gervaise co-hosting a TV awards show. It’s an abomination of nature.” Saul Gelterberg, On Location “It was as though they focused their gaze on traditional folkways with such intensity that they popped by the end of the third act.” Li Quan Adonis, Hipster’s Glossary “In the tradition of Mad Magazine and National Lampoon, they parody everything from religion to romance, Shakespeare to Sartre. What, me worry?” Rod Stockinghammer, Lunatic Fringe “In the end I found nothing but made-up lyrics, fake ads, fictitious characters, bogus institutions, falsified documents, nasty rumors, three chords and the truth.” Pindar Lesion, Investigative Reports

Copyright © | Year Posted 2021




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Date: 9/24/2021 7:04:00 PM
Oh goodness My tummy aches now from too much laughter These were great!! Dare i ask what rpgrf stands for?! As for Francis! Ugh!!! Thanks for the laughs :))
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Michael Kalavik
Date: 9/24/2021 7:20:00 PM
So glad you enjoyed. Sorry, I can't reveal the identity of RPGRF - a former girlfriend. Cheers!