Guides-06-04-2014
safety in number
not quite, not yet
but safety and comfort
trusted ones select
reassurances in subtle ways
challenges in gentle ways
guidance in assuring ways
thought-I am safe
lost though I fear I am
unsure where I'm headed
the new goal not focused on what others think of me-their judgments
this moment I am simply trying to be
the effort put forth to make myself well
I fear pain
that comes with each memory, thought-the emotion
but it's getting easier
trying to function
scared I still am
but feeling safer
understanding coming upon me more
making it just enough easier
to cope and stay present
and with my blanket-feel safe
knowing I can hide and be shielded
lost somewhere between everyday
still fogging out a little
in a numbing way
not forgetting everything
and reassurance, acknowledgement,
of my effort, progress, safety and wishes
nudged to try
to deal differently
to stay when I want to run
reminded I am here and now
not there and then-living in the past
from safety---
I still fear myself
the harm that I do
the poison that tries to break through
it's now a war raging within
as I struggle to break free
the old habits
the past I've still been living
the hurt I fear
those whom would hurt me are not here
the safe ones remind me
I'm living the present
I'm safe this moment
fear of the past, future-still there
but not so overwhelming
when realization dawns they're right
I'm here
I am safe
those that I trust guide me
and remind me that I do know how to swim
lost as I am
they guide me and give me direction
till I find which way it is I want to head
so I can learn to be well
to function again
to deal with thoughts, emotion
to feel and exist again
to develop a "me", an "I", an "individual"
to find my own dream
not someone else's
no judgment stemming forth from them
happy or sad
angry or glad
depressed and unsure or happy and confident
tired or pausing
worn completely down
energetic and studious
creative and logical
rational or not
I can lash out or isolate
apologize even too much
no judgment comes
just gentle guidance in a direction
to think I am safe
to help me exist, not dead inside
to be able to decide each day
which way I want to head
my own destination
I know I am safe
I am not comfortable
I am no where near sure
I don't yet know the direction
I judge myself harshly
but now there is a war
a struggle to change
and I have guides to remind me
I can swim
I am safe
even in my dreams
and I am GRATEFUL
Copyright © Jacquelynn Banks | Year Posted 2015
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