Good Days Scare Me

After about three days I realized that I felt better And I was terrified Because that just means That I have successfully turned up the volume In my headphones so loud That I drowned out every last thought I had When I realize that it is a good day I wonder how far "good" goes Because that same day I wake up in the middle of the night With an anxiety attack Blood rushing, heart beating I remembered that I was still alive And the only reason it was still a good day Is because I fought it I remember that I would rather be under water Struggling and fighting to get back to the surface Is better than being at the surface on a canoe Thinking about how I wouldn't care If it tipped over and I couldn't get back up I want to tell you this I want to tell you that the canoe is tipping I wrote out the text I wanted to send you And deleted it before I could send it Like screaming for help In a soundproof room