Good Days Scare Me
After about three days
I realized that I felt better
And I was terrified
Because that just means
That I have successfully turned up the volume
In my headphones so loud
That I drowned out every last thought I had
When I realize that it is a good day
I wonder how far "good" goes
Because that same day I wake up in the middle of the night
With an anxiety attack
Blood rushing, heart beating
I remembered that I was still alive
And the only reason it was still a good day
Is because I fought it
I remember that I would rather be under water
Struggling and fighting to get back to the surface
Is better than being at the surface on a canoe
Thinking about how I wouldn't care
If it tipped over and I couldn't get back up
I want to tell you this
I want to tell you that the canoe is tipping
I wrote out the text I wanted to send you
And deleted it before I could send it
Like screaming for help
In a soundproof room
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