Gone, Wither, Wend

jeezis … didn’t you know? you HAD to know you were there, too you felt it - you said so before I said a WORD you had expressed it … perfectly you were the river I swam up slow deep pristine warm and welcoming … touch, caress, kiss, impel, look … look … looking straight to your soul no walls no games no pretense or curves your eyes were my HOME my eyes … your playground WE … were the source that place where identity meshed chaotic passion a swirl of ids and motions and ecstatic desire so rare … so incredibly rare didn’t you know that?? you HAD to I know you did … and that’s what is so senseless that’s what angers me in the dark hours the black moments the moments of loss and reality and regret was that sacrifice worth it? I wish I knew … oh, how I pray to heaven it WAS for you … for what does that say about me … about my worth … my value … my desirability?? the saddest thing for ME is that I can NOT answer that question maybe … just maybe, you CAN but it’s the last thing I ever want to hear leave your lips … not because it wouldn’t be the truth not because it would ache to the marrow not because it might change everything between us … but because everything you think and feel and say … is now moot … your betrayal of those priceless, precious, extraordinarily rare and invaluable things has shown me that you cherish the tangible over the intangible - that your priorities are the things you can hold and see and put comfort in … and THAT actuality in itself proves that all those soul-deep, profoundly intense conversations we had about what is truly important in life - those things that enrich the spirit and give love it’s meaning and immortality - were just so much effluvium … thistles on the winds of passing that you puffed away with one weak, careless breath and despite all the miraculous connections we once had - the joy and passion and heart-melding experiences - those priorities haven’t made ME worthless (though I spent years believing so) they’ve made your AFFECT upon me worthless and in the grandest most honest and cherished schemes of life I just no longer … give a damn.