Get Your 4-1-1 From 5-2-9

I am the authority on any question you may ask But be prepared, because I know I've already completed that task You ask me which pet is better, a dog or a cat Read my latest article about the care of all animals, called Been There, Done That Don't try to outcook me, I graduated at the top of my class in Culinary School Put your money on the table, I know I can beat you at pool When I drive, I demand complete silence, I don't want any distractions Computer programs, accounting, I've used every kind of database, done every kind of financial transaction Don't argue with me, because I will win Everyone tells me they wish I had a twin You want to know about raising children, ask me about mine I strongly reccomend you get your 4-1-1 from 5-2-9 You women need to break your men down There is no king of the castle in my house, I wear the crown I may be a little proud of what all I've done I know it is far more than anyone If you want to know about cars and their care I can tell you about dealerships I have fixed when and where You cannot tell me anything that hasn't already happened to me I keep a crystal ball to foresee During an African Safari, my sister went into labor, I delivered my niece I rode with Gypsies on the islands of Greece I had to tell Eugene, supposedly an experienced detailer, how to make the tires shine The secret is out, sorry Eugene, now they know you got your 4-1-1 from 5-2-9 I won an argument with an astronomer about the solar belt I was given extra chips at a casino because I pointed out to the manager how the cards were dealt I've given advice to a couple about horses and their unpredictable ways I told a fishing boat captain, how and when to enter Biscayne Bay Through it all, I find people and force them to listen to me Where is Gabrielle, oh, she's eating lunch and my nose is snotty People love me for all the great knowledge I possess But I have one rival, I must confess She is at 1-800-SO-Fine She cannot top me for you 4-1-1 from 5-2-9