Email Poem

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I am the authority on any question you may ask 
But be prepared, because I know I've already completed that task 
You ask me which pet is better, a dog or a cat 
Read my latest article about the care of all animals, called Been There, Done 
That 
Don't try to outcook me, I graduated at the top of my class in Culinary School 
Put your money on the table, I know I can beat you at pool 
When I drive, I demand complete silence, I don't want any distractions 
Computer programs, accounting, I've used every kind of database, done every 
kind of financial transaction 
Don't argue with me, because I will win 
Everyone tells me they wish I had a twin 
You want to know about raising children, ask me about mine 
I strongly reccomend you get your 4-1-1 from 5-2-9 
You women need to break your men down 
There is no king of the castle in my house, I wear the crown 
I may be a little proud of what all I've done 
I know it is far more than anyone 
If you want to know about cars and their care 
I can tell you about dealerships I have fixed when and where 
You cannot tell me anything that hasn't already happened to me 
I keep a crystal ball to foresee 
During an African Safari, my sister went into labor, I delivered my niece 
I rode with Gypsies on the islands of Greece 
I had to tell Eugene, supposedly an experienced detailer, how to make the tires 
shine 
The secret is out, sorry Eugene, now they know you got your 4-1-1 from 5-2-9 
I won an argument with an astronomer about the solar belt 
I was given extra chips at a casino because I pointed out to the manager how the 
cards were dealt 
I've given advice to a couple about horses and their unpredictable ways 
I told a fishing boat captain, how and when to enter Biscayne Bay 
Through it all, I find people and force them to listen to me 
Where is Gabrielle, oh, she's eating lunch and my nose is snotty 
People love me for all the great knowledge I possess 
But I have one rival, I must confess 
She is at 1-800-SO-Fine 
She cannot top me for you 4-1-1 from 5-2-9
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