From Now On
From now on
I will dance as if on fire -
And when I say on fire – I mean sporadic dancing is the only form I know.
I am told I dance like a white girl
I look them in the face, eyes blazing.
Do I look like anything else?
From now on,
I will write as if I am Emily Dickinson, Virginia Woolf and Silvia Plath
And what I mean by that is - they suffered from the same debilitating illness I do, so maybe I can learn to weave what feels like a death sentence into something beautiful and life preserving.
I force feed myself drugs, this is the only way that I can make this wet blanket of hopelessness peel itself off of me. The residue of wet melancholy will never leave, but hey, when did I start believing in miracles?
I pray to a God I don’t even believe in, hoping that I will not end up with my head in the oven, confined to my home or water filled lungs.
From now on,
I will be a lioness,
I will not fall for the handsome price in the Disney movies I gulped down as a child, thirsty for the "idea" of love. I will not be the innocent, sweet, pure princess –
I will no longer be a wall flower, with innocent eyes, waiting in her high tower for a righteous prince to come to her rescue. No my dears,
I will be the dragon
Lungs full of fire,
Eyes full of desire
Fangs, waiting to pierce the flesh of any man who thinks I cannot save myself,
I will make the ground rock with my presence!
From now on!
I will be a ferocious shark within the sea of mass production
My soul, older than the fossilized bones of yesteryear
The trappings of regret and hope intertwine - causing a fuse so strong, so bright – that even I am blinded by its vehemence confusion.
From now on, I will scream -
I am no new soul,
I am no naive, fragile adolescent -
No, I’ve walked these roads filled with vile and contempt before
People and their viscous words fill my head – But they do not know
Their hateful words are no match for the distain and disgust I have for myself!
This soul has walked down a road of self-made abhorrence -
I can cross fire -
I can swim the deepest of waters -
I can climb the highest mountain –
Without batting an eye!
From now on –
From now on
From now on!
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