From Now On

From now on I will dance as if on fire - And when I say on fire – I mean sporadic dancing is the only form I know. I am told I dance like a white girl I look them in the face, eyes blazing. Do I look like anything else? From now on, I will write as if I am Emily Dickinson, Virginia Woolf and Silvia Plath And what I mean by that is - they suffered from the same debilitating illness I do, so maybe I can learn to weave what feels like a death sentence into something beautiful and life preserving. I force feed myself drugs, this is the only way that I can make this wet blanket of hopelessness peel itself off of me. The residue of wet melancholy will never leave, but hey, when did I start believing in miracles? I pray to a God I don’t even believe in, hoping that I will not end up with my head in the oven, confined to my home or water filled lungs. From now on, I will be a lioness, I will not fall for the handsome price in the Disney movies I gulped down as a child, thirsty for the "idea" of love. I will not be the innocent, sweet, pure princess – I will no longer be a wall flower, with innocent eyes, waiting in her high tower for a righteous prince to come to her rescue. No my dears, I will be the dragon Lungs full of fire, Eyes full of desire Fangs, waiting to pierce the flesh of any man who thinks I cannot save myself, I will make the ground rock with my presence! From now on! I will be a ferocious shark within the sea of mass production My soul, older than the fossilized bones of yesteryear The trappings of regret and hope intertwine - causing a fuse so strong, so bright – that even I am blinded by its vehemence confusion. From now on, I will scream - I am no new soul, I am no naive, fragile adolescent - No, I’ve walked these roads filled with vile and contempt before People and their viscous words fill my head – But they do not know Their hateful words are no match for the distain and disgust I have for myself! This soul has walked down a road of self-made abhorrence - I can cross fire - I can swim the deepest of waters - I can climb the highest mountain – Without batting an eye! From now on – From now on From now on!