Found It

I alone found the courage to push through In my eyes everyone saw suicide written It's pedantic to say I wanted to cut my wrists When I'm tired of the manic romanticism It's divvied out like communism but I'm a serf Who's a slave to his own ambitions Because with every poem, every verse, every stanza I look for the line to take me higher To transcend all the poetic duds And sometimes I'm a little emotional Because this written stuff is all I have I used to look at it with childlike wonder Now I gaze at it with adult apathy Feeling like my creative spark died Like every line is an illusion Hiding something greater But I can't seem to find it So I sift through the misery Hoping that fuel can keep me writing When it feels like I suffer so I can write Rather than writing because I suffer But I'm too busy holding on to dead ends And women I don't have a chance with I take that anguish, that angst, and that anger And I power my poetry to infinity Even if it's for zero comments And increasingly smaller view counts I know the shadow was lifted And I defeated the demon called depression But in this post-depressive world I'm lost Not knowing how to channel my feelings And all the things I'm dealing with I swear, I swear I just want to be happy To look in the mirror and find something to love But all I see is that lost child in me Who never had a friend to say it's okay Who never had a place to belong And I push through that pain So I can attain some sense of gains Because I know I can't regress This is what progress looks like Disjointed verse with a burst of emotion I'm devoid of devotion to move oceans But believe me when I say I found it That little reason to push through And truth be told it was in the mirror all along I saw myself for the very first time And saw a beautiful soul Struggling to shine through the grime And day by day it'll shine brighter Until all the muck is finally gone Because if nobody else will love me I might as well love myself And this verse might not be pretty That's okay though Because I'll take the ugly truth And shine it up real nice Because an ugly truth trumps a pretty lie I'm just angry it took me 28 years To find it