Found It
I alone found the courage to push through
In my eyes everyone saw suicide written
It's pedantic to say I wanted to cut my wrists
When I'm tired of the manic romanticism
It's divvied out like communism but I'm a serf
Who's a slave to his own ambitions
Because with every poem, every verse, every stanza
I look for the line to take me higher
To transcend all the poetic duds
And sometimes I'm a little emotional
Because this written stuff is all I have
I used to look at it with childlike wonder
Now I gaze at it with adult apathy
Feeling like my creative spark died
Like every line is an illusion
Hiding something greater
But I can't seem to find it
So I sift through the misery
Hoping that fuel can keep me writing
When it feels like I suffer so I can write
Rather than writing because I suffer
But I'm too busy holding on to dead ends
And women I don't have a chance with
I take that anguish, that angst, and that anger
And I power my poetry to infinity
Even if it's for zero comments
And increasingly smaller view counts
I know the shadow was lifted
And I defeated the demon called depression
But in this post-depressive world I'm lost
Not knowing how to channel my feelings
And all the things I'm dealing with
I swear, I swear I just want to be happy
To look in the mirror and find something to love
But all I see is that lost child in me
Who never had a friend to say it's okay
Who never had a place to belong
And I push through that pain
So I can attain some sense of gains
Because I know I can't regress
This is what progress looks like
Disjointed verse with a burst of emotion
I'm devoid of devotion to move oceans
But believe me when I say I found it
That little reason to push through
And truth be told it was in the mirror all along
I saw myself for the very first time
And saw a beautiful soul
Struggling to shine through the grime
And day by day it'll shine brighter
Until all the muck is finally gone
Because if nobody else will love me
I might as well love myself
And this verse might not be pretty
That's okay though
Because I'll take the ugly truth
And shine it up real nice
Because an ugly truth trumps a pretty lie
I'm just angry it took me 28 years
To find it
Copyright © Christopher Goss | Year Posted 2018
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