For My Mother

The day I heard you had died I had no idea what to feel not happy, not sad, not numb emotionally hanging dangling precariously in mid-air. In the months before your death I had been sending you letters with words which I am sure would have hurt you to the core words trying to express how I felt, how I felt as a child, and as a woman, I was trying to reject you the same way I felt you had rejected me so, when after a long overnight shift, I received the news of your sudden death I did not feel a sense of loss I did not feel a sense of grief I did not feel angry Nor did I feel sad It was more like regret for the fact that I could never tell you face to face how it has been for me I remember the words you said to me more than once and always the same you told me you wanted me and that’s why I’m here you told me you wanted me but you left me in your mother’s care You did not see me grow up You never held me near, and dear You never knew me at all Though we spent moments together I never really felt any sort of closeness nor your arms around me for protection at times it was just blatant rejection of me the child - and what I had to offer I cannot remember feeling that love I cannot remember feeling that bond I longed for us to have to have, to share you and me, mother and child but you know what mum I never called you that when you were alive whenever I look in the mirror whenever I see my own picture I see the image of you. You had said you wanted me but you left me here you just didn’t care, and I remain in a sort of limbo emotionally kind of hanging dangling precariously in mid air as you are no longer here.