Home » Poems » Judy Reeves » For My Mother

For My Mother

The day I heard you had died I had no idea what to feel
not happy, not sad, not numb
emotionally hanging
dangling precariously in mid-air. 

In the months before your death I had been
sending you letters with words which 
I am sure would have hurt you to the core
words trying to express how I felt, 
how I felt as a child, and
as a woman, I was trying to reject you 
the same way I felt you had rejected me 
so, when after a long overnight shift, I received
the news of your sudden death
I did not feel a sense of loss
I did not feel a sense of grief
I did not feel angry
Nor did I feel sad
It was more like regret
for the fact that I could never tell you face to face
how it has been for me
I remember the words you said to me
more than once and always the same
you told me you wanted me
and that’s why I’m here
you told me you wanted me
but you left me in your mother’s care


You did not see me grow up
You never held me near, and dear
You never knew me at all
Though we spent moments together
I never really felt any sort of closeness
nor your arms around me for protection
at times it was just blatant rejection
of me the child - and what I had to offer
I cannot remember feeling that love
I cannot remember feeling that bond 
I longed for us to have to have, to share
you and me, mother and child
but you know what mum
I never called you that when you were alive
whenever I look in the mirror
whenever I see my own picture
I see the image of you.

You had said you wanted me
but you left me here
you just didn’t care, and 
I remain in a sort of limbo 
emotionally kind of hanging
dangling precariously in mid air 
as you are no longer here.

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