For Kelly, Meine Liebe

We started out alone in the world, me and you, my beautiful girl. Chaos and strife were all we knew, but you had me and I had you. Boundless errors were made, I'd say, the guilt I'll carry to my dying day. Considering the mom that I had had, I hoped I hadn't done as bad. I hope you always felt one thing: that I loved you with all my being. The men I chose were selfish and vain and I could never express my pain. So I withdrew behind a wall so my feelings wouldn't show at all. My pain was like a beast inside and I was always terrified. I was so afraid to cry (and you can guess the reason why). I knew that if one tear would drop, I'd lose control and never stop. I still try hard to keep in check 'cause crying makes me look like heck. But I can only pray you know: I've always loved you head to toe. And the wall I built, though thick and stout, was never meant to keep you out. I was trying to sheild you from the pain that fell on my childhood like pouring rain. And now I'm old and need more rest. I hope you know I did my best. And when you have a child or three, you'll be a better mom than me. And the pain of family suicides will never be reflected in their eyes.