Fire

Standing alone in a dark room eyes closed for just a few moments I feel your touch, feel your breath on my neck... Then the sparks start to fly and catches everything ablaze. As it all starts to catch and roar out of control. I stand silent in the emptiness of my own thoughts of you and I. Asking myself why the flames burn everything around but leave me to be. walking on hot embers and coals glowing red with every step comes pain creeping upon me and I start to cry. Never felt worthy or like I mattered. But with you, even just your memory all the pain floats away. I struggle and fight; Tears still run down my face. The untamed mess that is within me, deep inside it makes me want to die. but yet I still try, Pushing forward one moment at a time. I'm not the same as I was after being baptized by the fire, my sins haven't washed away even with the water I have tried. Feeling empty when I first open my eyes the only thoughts in my head are why I must be here everyday. Why do I subject myself to such pain. It has reached the point the struggle is now the same day in and day out somedays it all runs together and tears me up. But the pain doesn't make me flinch or fold. Just makes me feel something for the time. I am broken and I am sorry I messed up your life. Sorry I drag you down and hurt you so. Never my intention never my plan. I am just a broken, a broken man that has pushed things down way to far for to long. It's not just you but everyone in my life I just can't seem to get it right, when it comes to life love and being Mr. Right. I give all I can all I am able to. One thing I wish is that I'd found you sooner. You make me happy you make me sad but you make me want to be better than I am . I struggle and fight but always feel I fail someway, somehow I can't get it right. I hate feeling like I just let you down or break you more. I try to support I try to be the rock, I try to give love to all I can so that they can see they aren't so bad. Yet here I sit crying to myself feeling alone and lost as the fire burns everything down. As I stand upon the ashes and look around for sign, a direction, a way to go, an answer to the question. I want to move forward but I don't know how. I know I not perfect or anywhere close to who I want to be. But I promise you will always have a part of me!! The embers start to burn.