Finding Strength
I used to think I was so weak
A sickly spineless shred of humanity
Puny, cowardly, skulking
I used to think I deserved all of God’s punishments
That He was right to bombard me with despair
After all I had never done anything to deserve joy…
Pathetic weakling that I was,
I had been so willing to succumb to malaise
Shutting myself away in the fortress of my room
Pulling the covers over my head to block out the world
Taking all talk of sunshine and hope as cruel blasphemies
Each new day I greeted with a sour twisted expression
A heart made of granite and coal
I never smiled but shed bitter salt tears
I took life’s lemons and swallowed them whole
Then I complained of the acid taste
So it came as no surprise when I stumbled into pitfall after pitfall
When body and mind were violated and left half-shattered,
I did not utter a word of complaint
When my heart was thrown against a wall and smashed
I barely even whimpered
Why?
Because I thought I deserved nothing better
But now as night draws in to blanket my soul
In a comforting shroud of darkness
I come to realize something crucial
Despite all the misery and despair and bitter torments
Despite the violation and the molestation and the aggravation
Despite cruel words and threats and curses
Despite being pushed to the ground again and again…and,
Oh yes, yet again
Still, I continue to rise to my feet
Still, I refuse to let my last breath of hope be exhaled from my gasping lungs
Still, I raise my head and face the new day
I am still here
Yes…
I am still alive
Copyright © Amy Van De Casteele | Year Posted 2009
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