Fall '05

Digging through the trash I find inside myself, discovering more and more things to hate. I hate the way I give and give, letting others use my generosity. I hate the way I’m always too blind to see, that so many are just using me. I hate the way I let my friends go. There is so much I wish I could let them know. Like how much I love them, how much they mean, everything they’ve done for me. I hate how I can never open up to others in reality, but in this cyberworld, my mind and heart are on display. I hate how when I finally try, I stumble over myself, growing even shyer. I hate how when I say what I mean, others don’t mean what they say. I hate how I can’t change who I have become, how the life in me just feels like letting go. I hate how I see no hope, how I see no love. I hate how I find myself doubting an existence above. I hate the way I keep just wasting away, fretting over an inability to find a new love. I hate that I feel. I hate that I want to love and be loved. I hate how I apologize for finally speaking my mind, for finally standing up for myself. I hate how I keep regressing into depression, how I never seem to find a way out. I hate how I hate myself, and I hate how I am afraid it may never change. I hate how I fear everything will be exactly the same.