Ever Wonder

Ever wonder why people have a hard time discussing what is truly on their minds? Well, we could speculate and assume that they are assholes or self centered or that they don't put time in when you may feel like you do...being in the darkness for any human is hard to understand especially when not knowing the circumstances behind their behavior. Yet, what baffles me the most is that you can be completely honest about how you're feeling..yet no one is actually listening. This last decade of my life has been nothing but healing from complex ptsd, depression, anxiety, fear/panic disorder. Living with such mental illnesses are time consuming and mind consuming to the point you loose hours to days. I try every day and I will Never give up because that is who I am even after everything I have been through in my life. I can be proud that I have made it through 100% of my bad days. And on those days I wouldn't think I could make it through but I did. Not everyone can say that..I've lost friends and family to suicide. Hell I've been down that road, that stuck. The feelings of not being good enough, not deserving to be loved or even cared about. That feeling in the lowest point of my life trying to understand why I even deserved a so called life. I shut down my world and put a fortress up around me and only allowed 1 or 2 people in my life. When I had that knife at my lowest at my wrists afraid...not afraid of dying but afraid of living...I stumbled across a video that literally saved me. Called please don't kill yourself by spoken words. I cried through that entire video. And somehow found peace in that and put that knife down. I haven't picked a knife back up and still watch that video. I still struggle everyday it doesn't just go away..but it is possible to live with it and overcome it. I'm living proof of that. Now I'm not telling my story for fame or credit...my only hope is that through my story someone may see this and know death is not the way out. That maybe just maybe someone might take this story and it sit on their heart and know they are not alone..and if that helps save another life that is the only thing I hope for. You are loved, cared for and adored. Don't give up please.