Jay Loveless | + Follow Poet |
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Even After All This Time

"What is wrong with me?" I keep asking. 
You would think that after all the nasty words and crying, 
the fist fights and after all the begging,
all the hating, and hiding knives so that I wouldn't cut my wrists, 
After what you did to me that night, 
After what you did to me that night
God, after what you did to me that night, 
Breaking my soul;
Everything you put me through, and after, I to you, 
After all these years;
You would think this love would fade.

You would think that by now, the thought of your name, 
would no longer pull at my heart with such gut wrenching authority.
That my dreams wouldn't be plagued by you in 4K Gold surround sound. 
You would think that I wouldn't give a damn if you hate me,
that knowing without a doubt how much you must hate me, 
after breaking my word and stealing our son away in the middle of the night, 
would fill my heart with such an ache it'd be hard to breathe. 
You would think I would stop crying at photos;
You would think I wouldn't still love you. 

I silenced a thousand voices screaming at me tonight, 
they told me not to text you and tell you, 
that I was sorry for everything that happened between us, 
that I was sorry you didn't get to witness your son grow up, 
that It broke my heart to tell you that your son didn't know who you were. 
They screamed at me not to tell you that I didn't want to be enemies, 
They screamed about lawyers and custody agreements and support unpaid, 
They screamed not to forget what you did, 
They screamed that part over and over. 

But I am so sick of these voices, 
I am sick of them reminding me, 
I am sick of them blaming you, 
and fighting me, every time I face my wrongs. 
I am ashamed at the guilt I feel, 
that I gave in and listened to them;
Everyone who had an opinion to speak of; Spoke. 
Everyone who had darkness to give; gave. 
Everyone who had a poison to sip; raised a glass to my lips. 
I was so easily manipulated, too tired and broken to fight, 
It was "Do as you're told", so I did. 

I wished I had the strength to trust in you,
the talent to recognize a lie, even a skillful one;
I wish I had known what it really meant to stand by someones side, 
and the wisdom to know that love exists even if it is often unspoken, 
I wish I hadn't had to hear those words to believe them, 
I wish I hadn't needed them. 
I wish we would have been alone in that room, 
that I was able to overcome my fears.
I wish that I had believed in you, 
I wish I knew why, I still lose myself in you.

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