Endings are the best part

I wish the smoking would hurry up and kill me. Too much of a coward to hold the revolver to my head and pull. I wish the cancer would drool through my veins like the scattered kisses I’d give his face. I wish my antipsychotics tasted like strawberries and the assessments were an hour shorter. I wish talking about it wasn’t so hard and nobody would see me as a victim. I wish my love would stay my own. I wish the moon didn’t remind me of you. I wish I didn’t have to shout at the stars to hide my memories. Hormonal acne but no menstruation. Gave my heart to be slapped across the face. I wish my friends would understand that I’m not being difficult on purpose. Messages left on read only make me beg harder for friendship. I’ll swallow my pills with a mouth full of straight vodka. Pass out in my dirty sheets, clutching my own heart whimpering like an injured dog. Oh miserable existence please come to an end. Cigarette burns on my scalp and rotting lungs, please take me. Let me grow my wings and fly from a world that lets innocence be taken. My girlhood gone and he still holds it in the palm of his hand like a sacred jewel with the answers to all of his sexual desires. The gemini sun sets in the east. Shedded my cherry hair in your shower and it clogged the plug hole like my deepest secrets in my soul. Touch feels unnatural. I know there’s nothing to worry about but now kisses feel like violence and taste like poison from your lips. When it’s my time, take my ashes and burn them again. I don’t want any part of me left in this freak show. So tonight I’ll pray to be set free, a ritual that I’ve been completing for months. Bruised knees from talking to a god I don’t believe in. There’s no part of me that hasn’t been burnt.