Emotions and Thoughts

Lost in a field of my own emotions and thoughts, wondering if I was the cause of my own faults, how did this happen, unpleased with the results of any transactions that I took apart of upon this planet, laughter, those giggly sensations has faded away, now all you get from me is a straight face, love, the feeling I once knew, taken away by someone you let break through our bond just to get to you, hate that intense dislike that I have for anyone who gets near my heart ,ready to shred them apart, doubt, that feeling of uneasiness that I have when I'm near you from the lack of trust, loyalty, that I display but its hard for you to show and prove so you run away. I shut down and shut you out while building that wall back up that I let you tear down, as I sit and drown in my own emotions and thoughts while my body lays in a field of tears. I wonder sometimes what am I doing here?