How would I begin to define happiness?
Am I the right scribe to ask?
I've struggled with depression longer than I haven't now
But I noticed something today
And it's not the first time I've noticed it
It's stunning, really, how easy it is to solve a puzzle
When you decide to focus on literally anything else for a minute
And realize nothing is as linear as it seems
I broke through it once before on a balmy Fall day
The second of my three weekly doctor's visits for the second month in a row
Getting to see those sights I could only see on base
And getting to relax exactly as I chose once I returned home
I rode that high for months
Drinking in the sights, the sounds, the smells of the world around me
Colors faded to winter gray, but it was all more vivid to me than ever
And yet it faded once more, so it goes
For the better part of a year, I've been trying to fake it
No matter how crushing the world is, faking a smile got me through the day
To provide the slightest pushback against a world of pressure
And today I realized, what's the difference?
Fake happiness, real happiness
No matter where you pull that strength from, does it truly matter?
If it's all getting you through the day, does it truly matter?
If you can't get homemade, store-bought is fine
The fake motivation was enough to kindle the real thing
And thus placebos are the ultimate cure-all if you lie hard enough to yourself
After all, once you've tricked yourself into thinking you're happy
If you're on top of the world and safe, isn't that the true definition anyway?
Copyright © Derek Chos | Year Posted 2018