Deepest Low

I tried to kill myself two days ago, 
Two days after my 24th birthday.
It didn’t work,
I can’t even do that right.
Instead of compassion and understanding from my family,
Or even love;
I got anger.
They are all pretending nothing happened.
My sister has barely said two words to me;
Even though her actions and words were the last straw that drove me to it.
I feel so worthless,
Like I don’t matter,
Like I won’t amount to anything ever in my life.
My mom is taking me back to the clinic.
She says I need help,
Which I do,
But she fails to see that my family’s love is what I need the most to heal.
God knows what will happen once I’m in there.
I’m going to put my life on hold again.
And God knows what will happen then.
Electroshock therapy?
Tying me to the bed?
They are definitely going to keep me drugged up.
How many more ways can they find to break my spirit?!
I’m the sick one,
I’m the walking symptom;
I’m either pitied,
Or being condescended to.
I just want to be treated like a regular person,
But I’m constantly reminded that I’m not.
I’m just so tired,
Of myself mostly.
All I wanted was this deep void inside of me to go away.
To finally rest,
And maybe even be happy,
Wherever it is I would go.
The ones left behind would suffer,
Yes,
But they’d get over it and move on;
And I’d become a taboo subject and go on to never existing.
Just like it should have been.

Copyright © Maria L. | Year Posted 2016

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