decisions

i have decided 
not to write this poem
out of obligation
or a pathetic attempt to “sound good” —
because i am so tired;
i've timelessly grown weary 
of being useless.

i have decided 
not to write this poem
with belief that it will be read
or that anyone will care —
because i am hurting;
and i've so many reasons to be in pain
yet none can fully justify
this immeasurable weight that rests on my soul. 

i have decided
that maybe i'll be alone forever
and just float by my lonesome
in a mindmap of connections
both of consideration and of toxic, tangled webs. 
there are so many places to fall
with only one place to land —
why, of all the chances,
would i get to stand? 

so i have not yet decided
if i will keep on living
for one day, or one month, or another 
hundred years. 
i don't think i'll ever change, or that
anyone will ever understand
for in truth, some share this crushing feeling;
what they lack is this
glaring light
that shines onto and horrifically uncloaks
my steps into darkness.

hence i will serve my purpose 
of lifting the burden so others can fly
but once i see them in the heavens
i'll casually consider the repose 
euphemistically called leaving.

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