decisions

i have decided not to write this poem out of obligation or a pathetic attempt to “sound good” — because i am so tired; i've timelessly grown weary of being useless. i have decided not to write this poem with belief that it will be read or that anyone will care — because i am hurting; and i've so many reasons to be in pain yet none can fully justify this immeasurable weight that rests on my soul. i have decided that maybe i'll be alone forever and just float by my lonesome in a mindmap of connections both of consideration and of toxic, tangled webs. there are so many places to fall with only one place to land — why, of all the chances, would i get to stand? so i have not yet decided if i will keep on living for one day, or one month, or another hundred years. i don't think i'll ever change, or that anyone will ever understand for in truth, some share this crushing feeling; what they lack is this glaring light that shines onto and horrifically uncloaks my steps into darkness. hence i will serve my purpose of lifting the burden so others can fly but once i see them in the heavens i'll casually consider the repose euphemistically called leaving.