Dear Jesus -Not Very Poetic, But It's On My Heart-

Dear Jesus, I was wondering what I'm doing lately... I've been so ashamed of so much recently, I'm so caught up in my life, I dont know what I'm doing anymore. I'm terrified of my fate, and the people I love's fate as well. I feel like I'm losing myself more and more everyday. What ever happened to my morals? Where has my consious been. I feel like I've already damned myself, I know you're real, I want him to as well, but does that earn me my spot in heaven? If I made it, Im afraid I wouldnt be happy in heaven without him, But is that selfish? I feel like you've abandoned me because my flesh has taken over. I feel like I'm only living to be hurt and destroyed in the end. I want to be sorry, and I am in certain degrees, but not genuinley enough, I know it. I'm so gone I'm afraid that you wouldn't want to help me anymore. Why do I see these things that frighten me so - Why do you leave me so scared? Are these things cursed to me? or are they just illusions that steal my hope. I need help, but I feel like I'm in this alone.