Crippled Past
I loved looking at you
I wanted to hold you
I wanted to hold you
I wanted to be in touch with your body.
I wanted to feel your presence inside of my soul
where the huge huge hole is.
Which aches to this day.
Which tears me up inside.
I look at you and I know, know, know the ache.
In spite of my own denials, I know it is real.
It pervades my insides.
It pervades my life.
I see you and I know my pain.
So I use enormous energy to keep it quiet and still,
not disturbing me.
Allowing that half-alive self to continue its charade.
I cannot not do that anymore,
simply decide to keep it quiet and still.
I have to say in places where it can be seen:
this exists and affects my daily, weekly, yearly life.
I can’t let it continue unknown
because it robs me of my spirit, my desire, my spark.
It has to see light to be able to find its true place,
to inspire me rather than cripple me.
Dec 2011
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