Cowardly Coward

I'm a coward. I let people assume that I was born this way when in reality it was bred into me to be so defensive. I let people belittle me because I fear being by myself, so it's better to be a mat they walk all over than to be nothing to them at all. I don't speak my mind because all my life I was told to observe , you learn more about people that way they said. I constantly have to put on a fake smile to keep people around because getting replaced is a regular occurrence. I don't know how to love properly because I fear it's him touching me again. people's assumptions of me always seem so legit but I sometimes wonder if they actually got to know me ,would they be so okay with the things i joke about.... the things that traumatized me? I would rather be by myself all day than face the judgement of people who are supposed to be supportive. I'm a coward you see. I let people step all over me because it's better than them walking away from me...forever.