Cooler

Fifty years of bustin’ ass, I never had a dime, If I had any balls at all, I’d’ve chose a life of crime; I never owned a brand new truck, a flat TV or yacht, I figured I deserved much more, but settled for what I got; I’ve had some ladies in the past, one of them I wed, The day she said her last good-bye, I was still chained to the bed; Intentions never mattered much; all efforts were in vain, So I decided it was time to quit, and end all of the pain; I took a walk to Clary Bridge, took aim at a boulder, All I got was a branch in the ass and a dislocated shoulder; After I was discharged, I tried new methodology, The light bulb in my head told me electricity! So I opened up the breaker door and gave a golden shower, The GFI installed last June shut down all the power; I stood there in my basement, with my futility Steeped in humiliation and a bit of my own pee; Resolute to find a means to ensure I would expire, In a blaze of glory, the world would see me set myself on fire; I strutted to the gas pump, a human birthday candle, In front of rush hour traffic, I squeezed the oily handle; Lighter in my right hand, I lit it fully gassed, It took all of three seconds for the fire suppression blast. It covered cars and people white, causing all some grief, Hacking coughs, angry stares and one pissed off fire chief; Never knowing when to quit is my Achilles heel, I set my sights on a lofty cliff and got behind the wheel; The steepest edge that I recalled was at the Jamesville Quarry So in the dust of my rear windshield I scratched the words “Memento mori” Crossed my fingers just for luck, that things would go as planned, Between the gasket and the tow, it would cost about a grand; Later in the waiting room, in line to see the shrink, I chatted with a fellow sod to see what he did think; I told him of my luckless life, burdened by a curse, And my desire to end my life and ride off in a hearse; He listened quite intently, with a smile and a nod, Then said he had a deal for me, although it may seem odd; He told me gambling addiction was his infirmity, And leaning forward in his seat, knew just the place for me; I’m paying all my bills on time; my life is somewhat stable, I have a little pocket cash and Friday I get cable No longer do I make attempts to do myself some harm, Turned the tables on my curse of being a bad luck charm; The casino really likes me, they pay me a good buck; I’m working as a “cooler” now, breaking peoples luck.